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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25889044">break these bones</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion/pseuds/tarialdarion'>tarialdarion</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bisexual Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Goes to Therapy, Hopeful Ending, Minor Character Death, Multi, Pining, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:49:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,031</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25889044</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion/pseuds/tarialdarion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Sometimes he would catch himself looking and would have to turn away, not wanting to torture himself with thoughts of what he couldn’t have. Every time he remembered how easily they fell into domesticity together, a little more of the flame of desire in his heart flared up."</p>
<p>-or-</p>
<p>love is simultaneously the most beautiful and the most painful when you know it can never be returned.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>131</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>break these bones</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/hideeho/gifts">hideeho</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was written almost exclusively for Dea because she enables my sad Eddie writing and spiteful headcanons way too much.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Buck’s straight.</p>
<p>Eddie knows this, they had this conversation when Eddie was figuring out his sexuality and Buck supported him all the way through it. Buck’s never looked at a guy that way, and certainly never thought of Eddie as a romantic prospect. Eddie knows that Buck’s not an option, but his heart…his heart has other ideas.</p>
<p>It’s funny, Eddie had never really had to deal with longing before. With Shannon, they were high school sweethearts and wooing her was easy. He’s never pined after someone before, but he understood his baby sister’s sighs over a boy a lot better now. He caught himself literally sighing quietly as Buck built legos with Christopher one morning and clenched his jaw shut.</p>
<p>He didn’t have time for fantasies. Buck could never be his and he needed to come to terms with that before it broke one of the best friendships he’s ever had. He shoved everything down and shut it off completely, walking into the living room with a smile and a greeting that didn’t even have to be faked.</p>
<p>Like his son, he was always happy to see Buck. The pulsing warmth in his heart was temporary and would fade with time and exposure.</p>
<p>It had to.</p>
<p>Eddie repeated this to himself as he settled into what felt like a domestic partnership with Buck at his side.  Spending time together wasn’t just something they did, it felt almost like an assumption. Friday night? Movie night. Wednesday night? Work on history with Christopher since Eddie was useless at remembering dates. They did grocery shopping together, Buck started to teach him how to cook a few basic things without burning them, and Eddie got used to them being a family unit.</p>
<p>Sometimes he would catch himself looking and would have to turn away, not wanting to torture himself with thoughts of what he couldn’t have. Every time he remembered how easily they fell into domesticity together, a little more of the flame of desire in his heart flared up.</p>
<p>Was this just how he was going to feel around Buck from now on? A fire full of want and yearning burning in his gut that consumed him so completely in a way that he hated. And yet the privilege of being close enough to Buck to love him in such an all-encompassing way more than made up for Eddie feeling like he was drowning without a rescue.</p>
<p>But it was okay that he occasionally felt overwhelmed by just how much he felt for Buck. It was all right, because he could survive anything with his kid and his Buck at his side.</p>
<p>The world came crashing down three days later.</p>
<p>“Edmundo.” Pepa’s voice was too serious when Eddie answered the phone with a cheerful greeting and it sent Eddie’s heart into overdrive, the worst possible news flicking through his mind. “You should come to the hospital.”</p>
<p>Eddie gripped the phone tighter, inhaling deeply and willing his voice not to shake. “What – “</p>
<p>“It’s Abuela.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Heart attack.</p>
<p>Common at her age, they said. History of heart problems in the family. She just couldn’t recover.</p>
<p>Eddie wanted to shout at them, scream about Abuela’s strength and support. How she encouraged him when he was drowning, always happy to give him advice or a helping hand. How she took his sexuality crisis in stride and just kissed his cheek with a soft “I love you” when he came out, shaking with nervous energy over her potential reaction.</p>
<p>Before Eddie had the 118, he had Abuela.</p>
<p>Pepa sat down heavily in a chair and Eddie put a hand on her shoulder. He had to be strong. There were funeral arrangements to make, family to tell, and he needed to ask for some time off to help Pepa with whatever she might need in the upcoming days.</p>
<p>Crying could come later.</p>
<p>He kept repeating this to himself as he signed documents, made phone calls, bundled Pepa into a cousin’s car to be taken home from the hospital. He watched them drive away, feeling much older than he actually was, almost weak under the weight of the mounting responsibilities ahead of him.</p>
<p>A hand fell onto his shoulder and Eddie jerked around to face whoever was behind him, only to be met with sad blue eyes and a slightly broken smile.</p>
<p>“I just heard,” Buck whispered, pulling Eddie close. “I am <em>so</em> sorry, Eddie.”</p>
<p>Eddie struggled with himself for a moment, tense in Buck’s arms, before he sagged, letting Buck take some of his weight, some of the burden. He couldn’t help falling into the soothing embrace of his best friend, the arms tight around him creating a safe haven against the storm of grief and pain climbing up in his throat until he could practically taste it.</p>
<p>As much as he wanted to break apart in Buck’s arms, his sense of duty and responsibility ultimately won out, reminding him of the mental checklist still to be completed. Eddie slowly drew back and Buck loosened his embrace, lowering his arms to grip at Eddie’s biceps.</p>
<p>“Whatever you need, Eddie,” he said seriously, looking into Eddie’s eyes with a seriousness that Eddie knew came from the heart, “just tell me and I’ll be there for you.”</p>
<p>Eddie’s traitorous heart gave a strong thump at that declaration of solidarity, the sense of support that Buck always brought to Eddie and Christopher. He never felt alone with Buck at his side and with that simple statement, Eddie could let himself close his eyes for a moment, letting the relief wash over him briefly.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” he told Buck softly, not even trying to hide the depth of his emotion like he normally did. Buck was his lighthouse in this storm, not leaving him, not going anywhere.</p>
<p>Eddie believed him, let himself anchor on Buck’s solid assistance.</p>
<p>And he let himself forget the insurmountable chasm that separated them. Just for a moment.</p>
<hr/>
<p>It was sunny the day of Abuela’s funeral. It shouldn’t have been surprising since LA was literally known for its sun, but somehow it still surprised Eddie when he walked out the door in his suit. Christopher was clutching his hand tightly and Eddie’s heart was broken for his son who had known so much death at such an early age. The funeral was quiet, somber with the emotional weight of losing a matriarch. Buck couldn’t get off work to make it there, and Eddie felt his absence keenly, aching for a steady hand to leach some of the tension from his shoulders. He clenched his jaw, allowing a few tears to escape.</p>
<p>It was a funeral, no one would judge him for crying over the loss of family member. She was someone who had supported him through his struggle establishing roots in this new city, a crucial part of his family.</p>
<p>He’s earned a few tears.</p>
<p>The whole day felt like a bad dream. Dirt thrown into a casket in the ground. Soft crying from distant family members in the still air of the graveyard. Driving to the reception in a distant haze. His parents speaking to him from across the table at the reception, judgement dripping from their words. Eddie tuned them out, focusing instead on Christopher sitting uncharacteristically silent next to him. He leaned down to whisper “I love you” into Christopher’s ear, needing just that little bit of comfort derived from his son’s shaky smile.</p>
<p>He learned very quickly just how amazing Pepa was at deflecting his parents’ comments about Christopher’s life here. Eddie knew that she had always had his back but this tangible proof that someone else was in his corner had his knees weak from sheer gratitude.</p>
<p>He missed Abuela.</p>
<p>He missed the way that she would pat his face and tell him that he was stupid and a great father whenever he began to doubt himself. When he was young, she was always one of his favorite relatives. He would seek her out when they visited and clutch her legs in a huge hug. Even as a teenager, he enjoyed spending time with her in the kitchen as she scolded him for absolutely destroying whatever dish she was trying to teach him to make.</p>
<p>Grief was an ache with which Eddie was familiar but the last time he felt this hollow sadness, he had let it fester into a cauldron of anger and bitterness. He remembered Bobby’s concerned face and Christopher’s scared cries and decided that he wouldn’t allow himself to go down that path again. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number, dreading what came next.</p>
<p>“Hi, I need to make an appointment with Frank.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>The day Pepa told Eddie she was moving back to Texas, he felt his heart stop momentarily before going into overdrive.</p>
<p>“Why?” he stuttered out, feeling like the floor had completely dropped out from under him.</p>
<p>Pepa sighed, reaching out to rub her hand up and down Eddie’s arm comfortingly. “Your Abuela was a huge part of my life. I love you and Christopher but my family, they’re back in Texas and I miss them.”</p>
<p>Eddie twisted his mouth, hanging on to the last thread of his stability desperately. “When will you leave?” he asked, knowing his voice came out choked in his attempt to suppress all those telling feelings creeping onto his face.</p>
<p>Pepa watched him sadly and for a moment, Eddie hated that she knew him well enough to read what he wasn’t saying: <em>don’t leave me, don’t make me do this alone</em>. “Soon, Edmundo. Whenever I can sell the house.”</p>
<p>Eddie took a deep breath. “Our lease ends in a few months,” he said, not quite meeting Pepa’s eyes and shifting on his feet.</p>
<p>Pepa put her hand on his face, cupping it gently and turning it so he was forced to look her in the eyes. “You do what you feel you need to,” she told him firmly. “You deserve to be happy.” It was an answer to a question he wasn’t even aware he was asking, but it left him feeling a little less like he was about to break.</p>
<p>Eddie took in another shuddering breath and let it out slowly. He nodded, removing her hand from his face and squeezing it gently, hoping that would convey all the words suffocating him into silence. From the softened look in her eyes and the gentle press of her hand, he figured she knew what he wanted to say.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Walking into the station after waving goodbye as Pepa drove off west felt like a relief, a reminder that she and Abuela were not his only source of support in LA. He heard Chim and Buck bantering with each other like siblings as he buttoned up his uniform shirt and it brought a smile to his face. Eddie quickly climbed up the stairs to get at the coffee, desperate for some caffeine after the hellish early morning of packing.</p>
<p>The second his head cleared the landing, he sought out Buck and caught his eye. Buck’s face lit up and for a second, Eddie couldn’t breathe with how much he loved this man. Despite all his worries about being here without the support of his family, he knew that Buck was a constant. He shot Buck a fond smile, delighting in the way it made Buck grin.</p>
<p>He walked over to the coffee, still thinking about how much a simple smile from Buck could cheer him up when suddenly the conversation filtered through his tired brain.</p>
<p>“I just can’t believe you have a date and you didn’t say anything!” Chim was saying sternly to Buck. Wait, what?</p>
<p>“Hey, you were the one who said you didn’t want to know about my ‘romantic escapades’,” Buck quoted with a laugh.</p>
<p>“Buck 1.0 had very different escapades!” Chim yelled, making a face. “A <em>date</em> is different.”</p>
<p>Buck smirked and opened his mouth to retort, but Eddie couldn’t hear the response over the sudden roaring in his ears.</p>
<p>Eddie’s breath caught, the pain in his chest so abrupt and violent that for a panicked, delirious second, he thought he’d been shot again<em>. Buck has a date, Buck has a date, Buck has a date</em> was all that was running through Eddie’s mind. <em>Buck has a date and he didn’t tell me</em>.</p>
<p>Buck was blushing and deflecting Chim’s teasing questions as Hen sidled up to Eddie. “I’m guessing you didn’t know,” she said, brushing her shoulder against his in solidarity. Eddie shook his head, not quite trusting himself to avoid spilling out the hurt and frustration threatening to overwhelm him. “Are you guys fighting?” Hen asked and Eddie shook his head again. She hummed in response and they lapsed in silence, both watching the spectacle play out in front of him.</p>
<p>A distant part of Eddie that he hated noticed that Buck’s eyes were lit up and the blush just emphasized the slight curve of his smile. Buck was happy.</p>
<p>That’s all Eddie ever wanted for him, so why did it hurt so deeply?</p>
<p>The sharp pain that had overtaken his chest at the first gleeful smile Buck had thrown his way had been replaced with a dull, steady throb by the time Buck had wandered over to him. Buck had let it slip that her name was Tracey and they met a few nights ago. Chim’s response of “Oh that Tracey!” didn’t help to soothe Eddie’s frayed nerves at all as he registered that Chimney knew about this mysterious woman while Buck had left him completely in the dark. He tried not to feel morose as Buck came closer. Hen brushed his arm with a careful touch just as Buck reached them and walked over to Chimney to start a conversation, leaving him alone with Buck.</p>
<p>Buck gave Eddie a happy grin and leaned against the counter next to him. The way Buck let their shoulders touch burned through Eddie’s uniform shirt and bled onto his skin.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Eddie put a hand quickly on Buck’s arm to get his focused attention. Buck turned to him with a brilliant smile that made Eddie’s heart ache with longing. “Why didn’t you tell me about Tracey?”</p>
<p>Buck shrugged, leaning his hip against the counter casually. “I didn’t think it would go anywhere, besides you were with Christopher working on some science project the night Chim, Maddie, and I went out. I was going to tell you today but,” he made a face across the room and raised his voice loud enough to be heard, “Chim ruined that.”</p>
<p>Chim’s squawk of indignation put another teasing smile on Buck’s face and Eddie felt his breath hitch in his chest. He tried to shut off the traitorous part of his brain that insisted on reminding him that Buck was happy with him and Christopher, that maybe it could be more.</p>
<p>He’d thought about it, longed for it, desired it so deeply that he was surprised Buck hadn’t already noticed.</p>
<p>Everyone else certainly had.</p>
<p>Buck gave him a searching look and Eddie forced a smile onto his face, knowing it was a weak effort but trying anyway. “I’m happy for you, Buck.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Eddie was starting to feel alone in a way that he hadn’t experienced in a long time. He knew his life was entangled with Buck’s in almost inscrutable ways, but it was becoming achingly clear just how much of his time was spent with his best friend. Tracey was…really great. Buck loved her and he was constantly sharing stories and pictures over things they had done while Eddie was at work or with Christopher. Eddie once made the mistake of asking why they had never done those things.</p>
<p>Buck looked askance at him “I didn’t think you’d want to do those things without Christopher. We just never had the time all together.”</p>
<p>The normal feeling of fond affection that would suffuse Eddie’s chest when Buck was so considerate of Christopher was muted, lessened by the fact that Buck was out there doing things that they could’ve done <em>together</em>. Eddie tried to ignore the frustratingly possessive and longing thoughts that clouded his brain whenever Buck spoke about Tracey, but at night when he was tired, alone, and feeling like his bed was so very empty, he couldn’t help the bitter desire from blooming deep in his chest.</p>
<p>The absolute worst part was how amazing Tracey was with Christopher. Apparently she was a physical therapist and worked with kids who had various disabilities. She was kind and considerate with him without being patronizing and Christopher took to her immediately.</p>
<p>Of course he did. Buck would never have chosen someone to date that wouldn’t be able to handle one of the most important parts of Buck’s life.</p>
<p>“So what do you think of Tracey?” Buck asked one day as they watched Tracey and Christopher walk ahead of them, Christopher talking animatedly about his most recent science project.</p>
<p>Eddie inhaled deeply, turning just enough to see Buck watching him hopefully, a nervous twist to his mouth. Something in Eddie broke in that moment, watching the love of his life desperately needing his approval for the person he had chosen to love. “She’s great, Buck,” he answered honestly, “she’s sweet and funny and amazing with Chris. I think she’ll make you really happy.”</p>
<p>The effort it took to keep the thick emotion out of his voice exhausted Eddie. A small selfish part of him wanted to grab Buck and ask desperately, <em>what does she have? What can she give you that I can’t? Why can’t you just love me?</em></p>
<p>The shining smile on Buck’s face at Eddie’s response had the words dying in his throat, his desire to keep Buck happy overriding his selfish need to express the pulsing warmth and desire in his chest. “I knew you guys would like her,” Buck breathed, relief clear in his voice. “Thanks for coming to meet her, I know you could’ve been doing other things.”</p>
<p>“We always love spending time with you, Buck,” Eddie responded, immediately berating himself for his openness but the pervasive longing in his heart didn’t seem to be noticeable in his tone as Buck just beamed at him and then skipped ahead to join in the conversation. Eddie watched him grab Tracey’s hand on one side and ruffle Christopher’s hair with the other and ached.</p>
<p>He had let himself forget in all their domesticity and support that it was only temporary and now had to pay the price of his delusions.</p>
<hr/>
<p>When they got home with Christopher still talking animatedly about Tracey’s advice for his next English assignment, Eddie sent him off to his room to get ready for bed and got out his phone, needing to talk to someone and thumbing over to Abuela’s number automatically. His finger hovered over the call button before reality came crashing down and he clenched his jaw hard, fighting down the sudden wave of dread flashing over him.</p>
<p>Abuela was gone.</p>
<p>Abuela was dead and Pepa was in Texas and Buck was with Tracey.</p>
<p>
  <em>There was no one to call.</em>
</p>
<p>A deep, dark rotting pit of failure and loneliness opened in his gut and shot electricity through his arms and legs. Eddie noted absently that his hands were shaking and he clenched them tightly, digging his nails into his palms in an attempt to shut off the sudden, strong feelings swirling through his head.</p>
<p>
  <em>He wasn’t enough.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He couldn’t keep them happy here with him.</em>
</p>
<p>Every breathing technique and coping mechanism that he and Frank had gone over flew from his mind the second his breathing started to get shallow. Eddie’s chest felt tight and in that moment, he hated his body for betraying him so severely.</p>
<p>The memory of his parents’ disapproving faces and the panic he felt at their suggestion that he leave his son behind flashed through his mind, leaving him lightheaded and fighting a sense of nausea. Christopher was here. With him. In their house. He kept reminding himself of this, trying to stave off the oncoming tide of negative and dark emotions lurking in the back of his mind.</p>
<p>
  <em>He didn’t lose Christopher.</em>
</p>
<p>He sunk to the floor, keeping the wall at his back as a paranoid part of his brain that never quite left the Army demanded he keep on alert, on the lookout for enemies. His breath was coming a little fast and mind whirling in circles. He closed his eyes, clutching his phone to his chest and swallowing down every single tear that wanted to spring forth. He had to keep it together, he had to be strong for Christopher.</p>
<p>“Dad?” The quiet call of his name broke through the terrified swirl of feelings and thoughts and Eddie’s head snapped up to see Christopher staring at him from the doorway in his pajamas, a frightened look on his face.</p>
<p>“Christopher,” he croaked, sitting upright against the wall and releasing his death grip on his phone.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Christopher asked quietly and Eddie blew out a deep breath. He almost brushed off the question with a quick “I’m fine” but he remembered his promise to both Chris and Frank.</p>
<p>Be honest.</p>
<p>“No,” he admitted, reaching towards his son who quickly clambered down next to him, wiggling into his embrace and getting comfortable. “I’m just a little sad right now, buddy.” He closed his eyes and used the warm, heavy weight of his son curled in his arms to ground him to that moment, leaning his head back.</p>
<p>“When I’m sad, you give me ice cream,” Christopher said after a moment of silence, his voice feigning innocence.</p>
<p>Eddie hiccupped out a laugh, the last vestiges of his panic slowly seeping away at Christopher’s conniving tone. “Christopher, is this just an excuse to get ice cream?” He asked, mock sternly and Christopher giggled. “Ice cream it is then,” he decided, tiredly getting to his feet and helping Christopher up. “Chocolate chip cookie dough?”</p>
<p>Christopher cheered and Eddie picked him up, heading for the kitchen to dole out too much ice cream for both of them into bowls. After the exhausting day he’d had, they both deserved a little extra treat.</p>
<p>“You and me, kid,” Eddie whispered into Christopher’s curly hair on the couch later, long after the ice cream had been consumed and sticky bowls were discarded, “we gotta stick together.”</p>
<p>“Forever,” Christopher chimed in, cuddling in farther under Eddie’s arm. Eddie sucked in a breath, blinking away tears at the way his son so easily soothed his heart.</p>
<p>“Forever,” he agreed, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around Christopher tightly.</p>
<p>The next day had Eddie watching from his place leaning against the railing upstairs in the firehouse as Tracey gave Buck a soft goodbye kiss, twisting a smile onto his face while a longing pain struck him in the heart. He couldn’t keep doing this. He knew that the longer he waited, the more time he spent with this Buck who wasn’t in love with him, who couldn’t ever return the deep-seated adoration that Eddie felt, would just turn him into a bitter, sad husk of himself.</p>
<p><em>You deserve to be happy,</em> Pepa had said.</p>
<p><em>Christopher deserves a father that knows how to live, not just survive,</em> Frank had told him at their last appointment.</p>
<p>Tracey said something and Buck threw his head back and laughed, reeling her in for another hug before she pushed away playfully, calling a cheerful hello up to Eddie as she walked out of the station. Eddie waved back politely, distractedly watching Buck gaze after her, an affectionate smile on his face.</p>
<p>Something had to give.</p>
<p>He straightened and walked away from the railing, coming to an internal and final decision. That night, he texted Carlos: <em>That opening at the 126 still available?</em></p>
<p>
  <strong>Does this mean I finally have convinced you to come bring my godson closer to me?</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Are you going to answer my original question, asshole?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>haha Owen says it’s still open if you want to talk to him. Want his number?</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s going that well with TK, huh? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Come down here and I’ll tell you all about it</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Deal</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry</p>
<p>Find me on <a href="https://tari-aldarion.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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